I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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