My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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