I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
