Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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