I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No I am not eating basil off your cock
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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