How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
