So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Randomize
