you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
