Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
