Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
