I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
