found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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