Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
