So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
