I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
