he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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