Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
