go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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