he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
