i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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