He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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