Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
