I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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