Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
