My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
