i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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