So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
