are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
