It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
