Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
