You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he was CRYING into my vagina
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
