When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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