I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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