my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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