i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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