Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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