I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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