The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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