I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I got inside last night via doggy door
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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