apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
