i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
