it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
