If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
