She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This baby is an asshole
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
