my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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