he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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