shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
