how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
