i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
