I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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