Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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