Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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