I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
